Stay Strong, Darry, Stay Strong

I have been reciting those words over and over in my mind. I can still hear Johnny's voice. I think it will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I -
The phone is ringing, one second.
Why is this happening? One of my best friends (and more) just died, and I wasn't there for him, and now I have had to watch Dally being shot numerous times by the people he strove his whole life to bother. But of course it's not the cops' fault. Dally is smarter than that. No. Dally wanted to die.
He called from a payphone. When I answered, he told me that he had just robbed a grocery store, and that the cops were after him. I had a pretty good idea of what he had done, and why.
We were going to meet him at the lot. We were going to hide him. It seemed pretty ironic, seeing as he could always do things on his own, and how he had hidden Pony and Johnny. But now, there was no hiding for Dallas Winston.
We arrived just as the fuzz fired their first rounds into his body. I never thought I would have to watch that. One minute, a good friend is standing upright, another second passes, and he's dead before he hits the ground. And there's nothing me or anyone could have done. Maybe if we had been quicker.
I'm jealous, but I know I shouldn't be. It bothers me how Dally could just let go like that. I can't do that. I have Soda and Pony to look after. Soda, who is heartbroken, depressed, all because of Sandy. He tries to appear happy and carefree, but I know him. And Ponyboy, who just lost his best friend.
I want to let go. To not have to see anything anymore. Not hear anything. Not smell anything. Not think anything. Not feel anything.
I've gotten like this before. When mom and dad were....when they.....passed. That's the reason I was so hard on Ponyboy....I didn't want to get too attached.....didn't want him to get too attached to me. With Soda, it was already too late.
Again, I ask the question; Why am I still alive?