The End, Finally?

The hearing was today. Soda, Pony and I got dressed up as best we could. It was pretty small. Only a few people, important people.
All of the Socs told the truth, no garbage about 'It wasn't our fault' or 'We were just playing drip drip drop."
The judge asked me and Soda about Dally. I told him that yes, Dally was a good friend of ours. no sense lying. It all went by pretty quick. I think the judge decided to let Pony and Soda stay with me. I guess maybe he was sympathetic towards us.
Now I have other things to worry about. Like Ponyboy's schooling. He's failing most of his classes, and he knows it.
His English teacher told him that he could get a C if he chose a good topic for the semester. I've been trying to get him to work work work. Of course, I can't push him too hard. After all he's gone through, I don't blame him for having a lack of motivation.
It's been weeks and weeks. Every time he writes down something, he eventually just starts on a new page with a different title. Will he ever get a topic?
We fought about this the other night. I should know better, after everything we've gone through, but I couldn't help myself. I want him to pass english, and I want him to do it well. We were in over our heads, getting back into the usual routine....trying to make Soda choose sides. I really should have known...he was quiet all day; unusual for Soda. Somewhere amidst the fighting, Soda just broke. He ran out of the door and down the street. Oh no, not again.
We chased him down, and found him crying.
Today he had received the letters he had written to Sandy, all of them; unopened.
He wants to go see her. He told me this when Ponyboy wasn't near. Soda doesn't care if the kid isn't his. He loves her. He's leaving.
He's coming back. But he's leaving.
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Ponyboy's been writing away. It seems like he's finally getting the hang of it now.
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Pony won't tell me what he is writing about, but I have a strong guess it's not about his trip to the Zoo.
He has been getting better, but everything that has happened this year has taken a lot out of everyone. For some, a best friend. For others, their life. No, things will never be the same. Will we try harder to succeed in our goals, so we rise above our greaser titles, so we don't drown in them forever? Heck yes.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is the end. Or is it?
I sure hope Soda is doing alright.
Toodlez!

Ponyboy is sick...I think I may need to get him a therapist

A few weeks later, someone knocked on the door. I opened it up, to reveal a Soc, though I didn't quite remember him. At least, he wasn't at the rumble.
"Hey..umm...Is Ponyboy here? My name's Randy..he knows me." He told me, occasionally glancing at the floor.
"Hold on for a second, I'll go see if he wants to come down?" I said, then dashed up the stairs to tell Ponyboy.
"You want to see him?" I asked.
"Yeah. Sure. Why not?" Ponyboy shrugged.
I payed close attention to the conversation from the other room. They talked about the hearing, and parents etc. etc. Then Randy started to talk about Johnny. Oh no. Ponyboy is convinced that he killed the Soc, no Johnny.
"Johnny is not dead. Johnny is not dead." Ponyboy repeated, his voice catching.
"hey, Randy, I think you'd better go now." I told him in a stern voice. Ponyboy is losing it.
"Sure...See you around Ponyboy." Randy said as he got up. I pulled him aside when we got close to the door.
"Don't ever say anything to him about johnny. He's still pretty racked up mentally and emotionally. The doctor said he'd get over it if we gave him some time.
And then I shut the door.

Paperbacks and Mushroom Soup

Ponyboy and I continue to talk about what he could remember (and what he couldn't) about that night.
We were talking about the time he was in the hospital when I remembered something.
"Johnny left you his copy of Gone With the Wind. told the nurses he wanted you to have it." Johnny hadn't left anything for me, but he didn't have to. We'd made our marks on eachother's hearts, and that was enough.
Ponyboy regarded the small paperback book on his bedside table, but made no move to pick it up.
"Where's Soda?" he had asked me after a while. I told him that Soda was sleeping, but of course, as if on cue, Sodapop came bounding into the room. I swear sometimes I think his name is like a dog whistle to him. I caught Soda just in time, before he was about to jump on Pony.
They started conversing, so I went down to make Ponyboy some soup.
When I came back with the soup, I found Soda and Ponyboy
fast asleep.

I Just Don't Know

I saw something go off in Ponyboy's eyes, after we began to talk more. Ah, I think he's finally figured it out. We sat there in silence for a few minutes. What is he thinking?
"Where'd I get a concussion?" he asked, seeming as though his mind was still elsewhere. "How long have I been asleep?"
I explained to him about how the day was Tuesday, and that he had been asleep and delirious since Saturday. I also told him how during the rumble a Soc kicked him in the head, resulting in Soda beating said Soc. hard.
"Don't you remember?" I asked him. Pony was slow to respond.
"No. Darry, I'm not ever going to be able to make up for the shcool I've missed. And I've still got to go to court and talk about Bob's getting killed. And now.....with Dally......Darry, do you think they'll split us up? Put me in a home or something?"
"I don't know, baby. I just don't know."


I just don't know.

HE'S AWAKE!

Ponyboy fainted after Dally was killed. Soda told me that Pony woke up once, but he told him to go back to sleep. Soda told me that he had asked if I was sorry he was sick.


After that I made sure I stationed myself by his bedside. I dragged the airchair up to the room he and Soda shared, and stayed there for most of the time; if he was going to wake up again, I wanted him to know that I was there.
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Finally, he's awake!


I must have dozed off, but he woke me up, thankfully.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I think so."
"Gosh, kid. You scared us half to death." I said, exasperated.
"What was the matter with me?" Ponyboy asked, his brow furrowing. Surely he remembered about Dally's suicide? Surely he would remember fainting....wouldn't he?
Shaking my head, explained, "I told you you were in no condition for a rumble. Exhaustion, shock, minor concussion-- and Two-Bit came around blubbering over here with some story about how you were running a fever before the rumble and how it was all his fault you were sick. He was pretty torn up that night."
After a silence, I continued in a slightly smaller voice "We all were."

Stay Strong, Darry, Stay Strong

I have been reciting those words over and over in my mind. I can still hear Johnny's voice. I think it will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I -
The phone is ringing, one second.
Why is this happening? One of my best friends (and more) just died, and I wasn't there for him, and now I have had to watch Dally being shot numerous times by the people he strove his whole life to bother. But of course it's not the cops' fault. Dally is smarter than that. No. Dally wanted to die.
He called from a payphone. When I answered, he told me that he had just robbed a grocery store, and that the cops were after him. I had a pretty good idea of what he had done, and why.
We were going to meet him at the lot. We were going to hide him. It seemed pretty ironic, seeing as he could always do things on his own, and how he had hidden Pony and Johnny. But now, there was no hiding for Dallas Winston.
We arrived just as the fuzz fired their first rounds into his body. I never thought I would have to watch that. One minute, a good friend is standing upright, another second passes, and he's dead before he hits the ground. And there's nothing me or anyone could have done. Maybe if we had been quicker.
I'm jealous, but I know I shouldn't be. It bothers me how Dally could just let go like that. I can't do that. I have Soda and Pony to look after. Soda, who is heartbroken, depressed, all because of Sandy. He tries to appear happy and carefree, but I know him. And Ponyboy, who just lost his best friend.
I want to let go. To not have to see anything anymore. Not hear anything. Not smell anything. Not think anything. Not feel anything.
I've gotten like this before. When mom and dad were....when they.....passed. That's the reason I was so hard on Ponyboy....I didn't want to get too attached.....didn't want him to get too attached to me. With Soda, it was already too late.
Again, I ask the question; Why am I still alive?

NO! NO! NO! NO! NOT MY JOHNNYCAKES! WHY??

I knew as soon as Ponyboy came through the doorway what had happened, and since Dally wasn't with him, I could pretty much guess what had happened to Dally too.
Johnny is dead.
No. No. No.
This must all be just a sick joke. Maybe Johnny hinted at our secret...
Maybe this was just the guys' way of trying to get me to confess. No, no, no, no, no!
Why?? I've been trying to convince myself this would happen for the past while, so it would hurt less when the time came..but...it's worse than I ever imagined.
Why do people die? It's just not fair. Why aren't I dead? I've lived longer than Johnny, and my parents never beat me. Why is it fair that after all he's gone through, he should die?
I should be the one dead.